Learning is Hard Work

Before I left for the Peace Corps I read some article by someone who was basically arguing that the Peace Corps was a two year paid vacation. Let me tell you that it is anything but. I will admit that it is a good way to get some extremely useful skills without having to pay money, but it is hardly a vacation. In stage anyway, I am working my a** off. And its more than the 8-5 schedule of classes and the accompanying homework, which amount to what any full time job would require. Its also working to understand what your host family is saying. Scheduling time to teach English for the multitude of people who want to learn it. Meeting with other volunteers to speak French as much as possible so that I get to a level where I can actually be effective. Its the never ending and rather difficult process of adjusting to a new culture. Some volunteers may have a different idea of it, but from what I can tell nearly everyone here is serious and hard working. And its not just my own improvement that motivates me. I have to be able to speak better French to be worth a damn as a volunteer. In fact, I have to do better than that, because I need to speak French well enough to begin learning a local language. Many women in villages don’t speak French at all, so if I can’t speak the local language, I’m only half as effective.

It seems every day here I am reminded of how much I have left to learn, and how much more I need to be doing, in order to maximize whatever I can do while I’m at site. For a while I think I needed solitude because the culmination of changes was wearing me out. But I seem to be past that point for the moment, and concerned that even if I studied French every hour of every day I wouldn’t be at a good point by the time training is done.

Which brings me to another point. I have been reading Starship Troopers, by Robert Heinlein (who also wrote The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, one of the best books ever). The book amounts to a treatise on the merits of civic virtue, but it has one resounding message that has really stuck with me: that some people have created in themselves a sense of civic duty, and of being willing to sacrifice one’s own gain for the gain of the community. I like to think that something like that is part of what motivates a lot of the volunteers.

Self Indulgent Narcissism

Today was a tough day, and tonight is shaping into a rough night. Some nights are just like that. Perhaps its the return to Forecariah after a day in Conakry. The classes were good, we meet with an organization to talk to them about what they thought their biggest problems were. Then in the afternoon we met with students and chit-chatted with them en Francais for a few hours. Both were difficult, both illuminated how much I don’t understand the way things work here and the language, and both were the kind of difficult work that gives you the best gains. But for some reason I am sitting in the dark listening to music and contemplating an early bed instead of getting a beer with the other stagiares.When I get down like this at some point it starts to seem like self indulgent narcissism, and pity parties are never fun. It makes me impatient. I don’t have the time or desire to coddle myself when I actually have to work hard. So today was a tough day? Maybe today was the toughest day of work in the Peace Corps so far? Well good right? Isn’t hard work what I want to be doing? Isn’t it about time we got down to the meat of the matter?

And so I should be satisfied, but some unforged aspect of myself wants things to be easy and fun all the time, and wants good work to be done without hard work. But it is the hard things that are really worth doing. And sometimes I don’t have the patience to ask myself if I really need a break or if I’m just playing hookie, and it seems like it shouldn’t matter anyway, because I should be working my tail off regardless.

But what takes my energy is wondering whether I’m being a wimp or not. Its a self-doubt that is useeless because I’ll never know the real answer, but I can spend as much time and energy agonizing over it as I want. In some sense right now feels like a make it or break it stage, except that I don’t know whether I’ll make it by sucking it up or by giving myself some cushion.

And to add another level of useless self analysis, is my worry about not working hard simply giving in to a fear that I am, at heart, a lazy person who will accomplish little in my life worth remembering? Under what layers of emotion might I find the real answer? If it is fear that drives me, then I should stay in and give myself the time alone, because fear shouldn’t be directing my actions. But if I am really just reacting to the first day of really difficult work then I really do need to just suck it up, because I hope there will be a lot more like that.

I’m lonely and sad. I miss being touched. I miss good conversations with people I love. I miss having a home. One month in and I’m pouting like a child over these things. With 26 more I had better get used to it.

Perhaps one of the reasons that I am having trouble being supportive of my feelings is that my life doesn’t actually seem bad. Class is good. Lots is happening. I’m learning tons. I can recognize that my feelings don’t really originate from true dispair as much as from a reaction to the things I’ve given up to be here. And for that choice I have only myself to return to. It doesn’t seem fitting.

Ringing in the New Year

I just posted 5 other posts.  I’ve adjusted their timestamps to the approximate time at which I wrote them, so just remember that the “posted on …” date is not the date posted, but the date written.

We rang in the new year with style, sipping gin on the top of the Peace Corps compound volunteer house.  But it seemed destined as a night for contemplation over revelry.  I was struggling with the sense of being so far away from my old life and all my friends and family, and with the sense of having two more new years to ring in still in Guinea.  So it was odd when, at 4 am, I found myself still awake with a man fast becoming a good friend of mine, dreading the idea of going to sleep and the return to Forecariah that would occur on the next day (today).

But this morning I am doing okay.  I have to remember that if I stay within a relatively short time frame I am happy and loving being here, but that when I go outside those few weeks, in either direction, it becomes more sad.

Anyway, enjoy the posts.  There is fighting tooth and nail for computers.

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